Why can’t I say no as a working class millennial?
I am the worst at saying no to things. As an an opportunist with FOMO (fear of missing out) I often struggle to say no to things inside and outside of work. Birthday party? I’ll be there. Lunch- you bet. Dinner with your aunties cousins dog- why not! It’s a real problem and one I suffer from in work too. There’s not a meeting I won’t attend, not one thing I can’t cover at short notice and not a single lost person in the corridor that I wont personally escort to their appointment. But this is impractical and inefficient- notwithstanding the fact that I have a terrible sense of direction (note the time I was lost at a conference in Paris and a French butcher had to put me on the bus and tell me when to get off- shout out to Pierre). But in order to be better at saying no, I must first understand why I feel such a desire to say yes in the first place. I know many of you will relate to this so join me in understanding why I cant say no- and some tips on how you can delve deeper into why you cant say no.
The people pleaser
A lot of why I can’t say no, comes down to my deep desire to please everyone all of the time, and sometimes to my own detriment. In order to understand why this is, we have to go back several years into my past and without diving too deep into my memoirs, in brief my two working class parents sacrificed a lot to support me through university so I could reach my dreams. (let’s be honest, student loans help level the playing field but university is still pretty elitist). After my parents sacrificing what was necessary to support me through university- I felt the need to make the most of every opportunity. And that requires a lot of saying yes. It could also be the fact that I am the favourite, and I have a reputation to uphold- heavy is the head the wears the crown. (If my siblings are reading this- I am joking). A large portion of my people pleasing is a desire to make my family proud, and there’s no compartmentalising that, it will spill into all aspects of your life.
Though I feel my desire to people please started with my family, it has extended into my professional life. I generally like to help people but helping too much can be at your own detriment. I flourish when I feel I’ve helped make someone else’s life easier, but every action has an equal and opposite reaction and often that will be at the cost of you.
Validation
People pleasing and validation are usually mutually exclusive. A sense of validation for a job well done is how I get my kicks. Don’t get me wrong I do feel awkward about it but I like the sense of accomplishment. I’m less good at self validation, and that has been instrumental in my journey to saying no. Things I’ve employed to help that are keeping an achievement and gratitude diary and managing my own expectations myself. Getting to a point where I can pat myself on the back and be satisfied without external validation will be a huge milestone!
Communication gap
If I’ve learned one thing as a clinical academic it’s that there is nothing that can’t be solved without clear communication about expectations. There’s no way your colleagues/managers are able to keep track of everything you’re doing and if it’s too much. I’m willing to bet your managers are managing more than just you, so there is an expectation that you will speak up when there is too much going on, when you’re burnt out, or whatever it may be. There needs to be a clear line of communication- what you’re saying and what your managers are hearing need to be the same. Be open, clear and concise about what’s happening. There’s an arc of distortion to communication, lets make sure we understand eachother. If nothing changes, try again and consider how you communicate or how your message is received.
Why can’t you say no?
Well we’re all different aren’t we. My reasons probably aren’t your reasons. But here are some tips on how to explore why you are finding it so difficult to say no. Side note- I would recommend personal coaching to really help you understand.
- Understand your values
What is important to you? What do you believe in? This is the first step to understanding what underpins your decisions.
2. Reflect
When you find yourself saying yes to something, and regretting it immediately- try and ask yourself why you agreed to that. Did you feel you had to say yes? If so, why? Did you feel you would let someone down? Try and think of your current reasons, and what might have led to this behaviours.
3. Communicate
I can’t stress enough how crucial this part is. Be clear about how your feeling and why you find saying no so difficult. Manage expectations with your colleagues and managers.
4. Alternatives to “no”
OK maybe no seems too firm for you? There are other ways of saying no that don’t make you feel like the bad guy. “I cant give this my full attention right now, can we discuss at X time”, “I am interested in this opportunity but now is not a good time, please could you consider me in the future”, “I have other commitments but if that changes I will be there”.
5. Set boundaries
Be clear and firm on what you are able to do. Replying tentative with an explanation is OK! Code your meetings or tasks as essential or non essential to help you visualise what’s important for you to attend.
Be reassured that is a universal problem. We’re all battling the same demons, but take some time to figure out why you’re finding it difficult. It’s a very “eat pray love” moment.
